october to now

in October I painted my apartment. I quickly became obsessed with my small space and big window. I don't regret how often I photographed my safe place. I took my first film pictures of where I work.

2014

January

January cannot be described as anything less than mountains and valleys. From the indescribable heights of being honest with those that I love, to the unfathomable depths of intense loss. In 2014 I wanted to be brave, and January was attempting that time and time again. January 14th and January 24th, just 10 days apart, will forever be etched into my mind. I wrote more in this month than any other.

It wasn't me sitting in on other people's grief, it was my own. And I am still reeling.

February

February was bitterly cold. There was mourning and celebration. Fear and longing. What I wrote down and what I felt were not the same. I opened up to a coworker and though I did not know it, that bravery would result in something so valuable. Two kittens moved in and their furry selves brought me a small glimmer of hope. I spent a lot of time in my room and downtown. I spent a lot of time alone.

I am being made new. And that is not an easy process. It takes dirt and grime and sweat and blood.


March

March was the very beginnings of Spring. My soul healed in March. Not entirely, but some. I went on a roadtrip with three of my loved ones and saw one of my favourite bands live. I started to have days where I felt comfortable in my own skin. On March 29th I wrote a letter to myself. I trusted someone and they hurt me. I set boundaries in a relationship.

April

April felt good. I didn't write in my journal once. It started to get warm, the snow melted. I fell more in love with my coworkers. We started looking at apartments and lashed out at one another. At the end of April someone I trusted offered me a safe place if I needed it. Three of the most important people in my life moved downtown. April 29th carried the second best news of 2014.

May

The best way to describe May was that it was outside. I heard something that I didn't think possible. I hurt someone more than I thought I ever could. I cried more in this month than any other. I became more of an island than I ever had before. I asked someone to be my mentor. I made choices that were right but not easy. We watched two of our best friends get married. I started biking.

June

I grew more in June than I ever have before. I moved downtown, on my own. I turned 21. I battled the fog all month. I trusted someone when everything in me fought not to. I shared my story with a community that loves me so much. My coworkers became more like a family. I found out that someone who had invested so much in me was leaving. I biked and spent time outside and those were the times I felt most whole.

To be loved so significantly is such a blessing.

July

July only got better as it went on. I entered July in a lot of pain. I flew back to the city I grew up in and realized for the first time that it is not my home. My headaches started coming back. I went back to the place where I was first independent and thrived. I rediscovered the importance of rest. A community I had missed welcomed me back with open arms. I carried back the healing with me. My film pictures almost entirely didn't turn out.


August

taken by Suntka

August was a lot of learning. And a lot of time outside. We went camping in my home province and I felt so alive. I did a lot of camping. I stood next to my friend as he got married. My mentor spoke incredible truth into my life. I explored my city. One of the people who had invested the most into me at work left.

I need to remember that caring for myself needs to be a discipline and not a reaction.

September

September was a month when I made decisions to improve my mental health. I biked 25km for mental health. I participated in World Suicide Prevention Day. Alex Jade was born. My mentor became even more important to me. People gave me a chance to prove myself. I worked an incredible amount of overtime. I biked with 600 other bikers from my city and felt on top of the world.

"Zach, when you wear this shirt, I want you to believe it about yourself."

October

October was a strange month. I had conversations that taught me so much. There was pain. I felt crippled and empowered. I stood beside one of my good friends as he got married. I flew back to my home province. I painted my apartment. I stood with friends in their distress. Wyatt Parker was born at 4:51pm on October 28th and he is one of the greatest joys in my life. I wrote one of my most vulnerable pieces of writing ever and gave it to two people that mean so much to me.

You gave me a small glimmer of hope, your life told me that light and new life was still possible. I didn’t have answers for all my questions, and things were still not easy, but knowing that a story like yours was possible gave me hope.

November

November was the first month that I felt close to normal. Winter came. Work calmed down. I felt more on top of things and more confident. I journaled almost every day. I had honest conversations. I was brave. My favourite little man stole even more of my heart. We started a new community at work and it was good. I made an effort to care for myself. He told me he was proud of me. I stopped biking. 

December

December has been realizing a lot about myself. I've been learning the true value of friendship. The word "family" has taken on a whole new meaning. Work demanded so much of my time, but in ways that I do not regret. I remember it as a month filled with love. I told people what it was that I appreciated about them, and it ignited something in me. Someone told me an observation they had of me and I had never heard it before. I started winter biking. I felt even more love for my church.

2014 was a year filled with change. I discovered so many things about myself that I never knew before. I said I wanted to write more, take pictures more and be brave. I feel that at the very least I was brave. 

In 2015 I want to take more significant pictures, invest more in the people who I love, take further steps towards recovery, and grow.