2016

January

January was a whirlwind. Sunny skies turned stormy. Gritted teeth, sharp tongues, shaky ground. Learning where and when to draw a line. Do I accept every criticism? Tense muscles and talking myself through every thought. Your fangs sank deep and drew more blood than I expected. I am not two halves but a whole. It was learning to stand when everything around me said, "sink." "Conflict is the gateway to intimacy," you said. I would not find out how true this was until much later. I wrote more in this month than any other.

Relationships and all the work they require are worth it.

February

February was growth and light and creativity. Feeling new and whole. Dreams and ideas. Fresh air filled my head, such contrast in such a short amount of time. Feeling solid, confident. Leading and being trusted, excited and encouraged. I was not a shattered vessel. I journaled twice, less than I should of but more than I felt like. I tried new things, pushed to be more adventurous, took risks.

March

by Carrie

by Carrie

This month was an adventure. New territory, new spaces, new attempts, unlike any others. I didn't journal a single day, living on the precipice, desperately trying to take it all in. Art and creativity and relationships, all bursting at the seams. Despite winter's continued hold, I felt so alive. I got glasses.

It's amazing how much it can mean to give yourself permission to fail and to learn.

April

In April I spent time recovering. One can only sprint for so long. I took the time to listen to my body and soul. What did I need and when? How can I heal and continue to grow? A plane ride helped, good friends and prophetic words helped more. An unlocking and an unreserved joy, both things I needed, both things that would soon become a reality. A conversation that made me feel so much less alone, so free and full and thankful for grace. 

May

May was new breaths. Spring came in full force, massive and all at once. The world was alive and bursting again. There is something about deep breaths of warm air, fresh blooms, and long walks that light my soul on fire. It was also defining boundaries, drawing lines around who I am and what I will accept. It was exercising bravery and strength. My vulnerabilities on display for all to see, could this be meaningful for other people? I learned in May to remember where I had been and to also look ahead to where I was going.


June

June was the highs and the lows. Turning 23, welcoming a new year with ones that I love. Feeling thankful for the life that I live. "I was born, and I'm alive, and that's worth celebrating." But the fog struck me like a freight train. Caught in the freefall, frozen and scared. I had to learn to grow, take steps of courage to get better. Thank God I had the time away from work. Time to heal, time to grow and stretch and breathe.

You are everything false; lies and teeth and dripping blood.


July

July, o sweet July. Full of light and warmth. Caught up in grace. Love dripping from every piece of this month. Beautiful friends, the family that is chosen. Standing in solidarity. I was proud of the communities I call home. He caught me on my bike ride home, whispered love to my soul. I am not an island. I spoke on a stage, was vulnerable for more than just those close to me. Pain becomes a platform.


August

In August I risked, tried new things, went on adventures. 4 people I didn't realize would become so important to me were my home for a week. Standing on the precipice of heaven and singing with every fiber of my being. He caught me up in His love again. I went back refreshed, renewed, ready for the challenge. Faith restored, hope found. "Go jump in the river."


September

taken by Carrie

September was the culmination of so much. Funny how it always has a way of doing that. I returned to halls of learning, ready and excited for the future. The Lord's good work in me did not cease. I thrived in this month. Being creative and leading with my whole heart. I stood publicly for those that can't, said: "It's okay to not be okay." I chose to remember why I choose to live.

The things to come are good.


October

I got swept up in it all in October. Every day was a whirlwind, flying by faster than I could take in. Some of it was good and some of it not. I stood in front of students and told them their worth, hugged them as they wept, saw Holy Spirit flood their lives. God is good and faithful and full of love. No time to catch my breath but I didn't care. Friends became family, trusted voices in my life. I expanded, allowed more into my heart, into my head. And the world turns madly on.


November

November was a mad rush. So much to do and not enough hours in a day. I spent so much time pushing creative boundaries. It snuck back in, slowly and in the dark corners of my mind. I took the time to lay back and relax, to heal. It took me two days to recover from the devastating news south of the border. And all the while life kept rushing past my window. I fell out of this month not realizing all that happened. November was crazed and all at once.


December

December was more than I bargained for. I said to myself if I could survive December I could survive anything. It was chaos, non-stop. But ohhhhhh man did the Lord show up. So many times I stood in awe of the opportunity and responsibility I was given. Entrusted with an incredible message that I was honoured to share. He said, "be a peacemaker" and I made it permanent. I came to the end of December full of thankfulness for the people I love, the ones that love me back. I wished I'd spent more time with them.

2017, be gentle. I want to be balanced, invest in what needs investing.