2013

January

January has always been a month of chaos. Cries that echo across years of pain. This year it was no different. While I smiled physically, my insides swirled. I shouted out to the Lord. I felt like I was not heard. White walls and good friends helped me stay standing.


February

This was a difficult time for me. I hoped that February would bring light and warmth, but it carried on in it's darkness and cold. Anxiety attacked with renewed vigor. I spent a lot of time alone. I spent a lot of time lonely. I wrote more in February than I ever had. I clung desperately to the Lord.

I seize those moments of love and light and remind myself of the necessity of the depths.


March

I gave up in March, in more ways than one. Winter clung with unending ferocity. Hope was hard to find. I withdrew even farther inside of myself. The lows were vast and deep.


April

April was changes. It was the turning point, or so it felt. As the snow melted the loneliness that had gripped me for so long was pushed back. I was reminded that every season must end, including my own. The Lord taught me a lot about the value of being vulnerable.


May

May was the beginning of warmth. And I struggled with relationships. What should you require of other people? I was intentionally creative for the first time in a long time. I called a counsellor. I took steps towards healing.


June

June was the most healing month. I was reminded of the incredible value friends have. People became family. I grew older. I went to the west coast with three of the most important people I know. I started going to counselling. This was the month of hope.

Sometimes you need to stand in awe of the Lord's creation, see how great a creator He is and know that you are His created.


July

July I found out that one of my biggest dreams was going to be taken away from me. And I had no input, no control. Life pushes you down and it is not easy to get back up. I felt lost. I clung to the small bright lights.

It takes strength to be alone. You have to be your own person and do it all yourself, because no one else is going to do it for you. No one.


August 

August was a whirlwind. And yet endlessly routine. I spent so much time repairing friendships. I looked for light everywhere. I felt apathetic. The Lord carried me through this month. Joel moved in during the last week of August.


September

September was a lot of changes. My job changed to something much better. I spent a lot of time downtown. I had my last counselling session. My old roommate got married. We drove to a park, laid in the grass and listened to music. We decided to not renew our lease. It was very hard.


October

October was full of pain. I experienced the first time someone criticized my photography. I struggled with the thought of moving. I cried for hours. We left Baylor. I was scared of the unknown. I became angry and harsh. I demanded my own way. I hurt those whom I love most dearly. 


November

November was full of adjustments. I spent a lot of time at home and alone. I explored my new neighbourhood. I withdrew more than I ever have before. And yet I became closer to someone than I ever thought I would. November was people pulling me from the muck.


December

December was having fun again and trying to remember what is really important, the people that have invested so much into me. It was about repairing those that had been hurt, revisiting those that had been gone and deepening those that had always been there. I am learning that love is the most important, and that I am worthy of it.

I did not document this year enough.

In 2014 I want to write and take pictures more.

I want to have hope.

I want to find healing.