January was a good month. Looking at the sun and finally feeling the warmth. Being made new took on a whole new meaning. I learned the importance of looking back, reflection. I looked in the mirror and did not hate what I saw. It was building my house on rock, not sand.
I can be proud of myself. I can be confident in who I am and not allow other people’s feelings about me dictate who I am.
It takes vast amounts of strength to care for and love yourself, to battle against the poison of your own mind.
March was fighting to take back myself. Pain and longing and struggle. Rocks and hard places. The deepest valley of despair and the highest peak of joy. I built my summer bike. My soul cried for those I barely knew. March 30 and 31 were my heart shattered, broken glass in my chest.
It's like I'm alive for the sake of living.
April was a turning point, going from darkness into light. I started with endless regret. Had I made the right choices? My heart was stretched across 3 continents. What I left behind did not follow me to the country that would transform me. Day 1 on the ground in Swaziland and I said, "I will never be the same".
Wrong words in wrong places, spoken to sad faces. I am missed chances and blank stares.
May started in one place and ended in another. I was filled with a joy, a solidity. Coming back was endlessly painful. Questions, hurt. I felt unsatisfied with where I was. Though I did not know it, this was the beginning of an answered prayer.
It is truly powerful how a relationship between communities can transform both.
June was another month of opposites, tension. I celebrated my birth, genuinely thankful to be alive. I struggled with my identity, my worth. What was the direction I would take? I stood my ground, refused to take responsibility for things I shouldn't. It was time alone, learning and growing.
I’m happy I was born and I’m happy I’m alive.
July was the greatest low of my life. I took two weeks to care for myself, to relax. Confronted with myself was overwhelming. I stood at the brink and saw no other option but to fall into the void. I stumbled through darkness. I cried and vomited through my own brokenness. I almost didn't survive this month. I got a tattoo to represent all that this month was.
I didn't know if I was safe from myself, and that was scary.
I didn't know if I was safe from myself, and that was scary.
August, like April, was a journey to greater health. Seeking light when all I saw was darkness. I practiced bravery and vulnerability. I invited truth, spoke honestly. I read a book about Kurt Cobain and it made things clearer. I chose to be creative. A safe place loved me in my brokenness.
Sitting down and being open and vulnerable with someone wiser who loves me is one of the most valuable things I have in my life.
September was full of answered prayers. I biked 50km for mental health, told the world why I chose to live, took a critical step in my recovery, moved into a new position. This month was the climax of so much. The changes in this month began long before it, though I did not know it at the time. But it wasn't just the large changes. It was the small ones. A family that I love left, I did not cry. This month was filled with light.
I’m feeling fully alive for the first time in a long time.
October was thriving. Moving beyond the animalistic nature of survival. Finding where I fit, feeling confident. I couldn't believe that this was my life. How could I do something that I love every day? It was putting into practice all that I had learned. It was learning with every breath. It was allowing relationships to change, allowing new ones to grow. I traveled to a big city and realized why I love my small city. My heart changed towards someone. The Lord spoke words of love over me. I worshipped without hesitation.
It is dynamic, a connection between art and person.
November was growth. I became ever more confident. Building myself on the solid foundation laid before me. I risked, recognized my own fears and challenged them. I demanded creativity from myself and I was not disappointed. Friendships grew. I stood on a stage and spoke words of truth and it ignited something within me.
I am not living in the fear of my own failings. His Voice echoed in safe places, by safe faces. I am a broken vessel filled with light.
December was full of love. I was surrounded by the people that love me, the people I love. In two provinces I met with the people closest to me. I accomplished things I never thought possible and it was so encouraging. There are no mysterious words for this month. It was very very good.
I believed that, somewhere within me, I would be able to be something, and that permission has made all the difference.
2015 was a significant year, one I will not forget.
I said that in 2015 I wanted to take significant pictures, invest more in the people I love, take further steps to recovery, and grow. I have done these things.
In 2016, I want to: be proud of myself, love and be loved, accomplish great things for the Kingdom.
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